My abortion story started when I was 18 and I had my first abortion. It never occurred to me that I may become pregnant. I was going with a boy that I met when I was on a road trip. When it was time for me to go home, he followed me back to Chicago. He got a room in a motel not far from my parent’s home. I thought I was in love with him but really, it was infatuation. After sometime I suspected I was pregnant and went to doctor for a test. I was shocked and scared when I called her and she informed me that I was pregnant. I could not think and did not know what to do. Then my abortion story took a twist. Alex, my boyfriend, wanted to marry me but by this time, I was starting to be afraid of him. He was acting strange and I did not trust him anymore. A few days later, my mother confronted me and directly asked me if I was pregnant. I could not believe it – how did she guess? I had only just found out myself and did not have time to even think about what I would do. She told me that she noticed the sanitary pads had not been used and this gave her reason to confront me. I was adopted and when she told me that, I would have either to marry Alex or get an abortion. I reminded her of my other option of adoption and that it was a baby.
My Abortion Story: Don’t Kill your Heart!
Mom Played Vital Role in my Abortion Story.
She told me that it was only a “BLOB” of tissue. She would not hear of it, she told me if my father were to find out it would kill him. At this point, I felt totally defeated and like I had no choice. You see my father and I never had a great relationship. When I was in high school he had a major heart attack and I blamed myself for it. That was all she needed to say to me for my guilt was so great that I folded. She being a social worker had many contacts. She found that a minister from a church in Park Ridge was taking pregnant women and girls across the border into WI. I had to pay for it… it cost $350. I think it was a Saturday that eight of us were taken to the abortionist’s office in downtown Milwaukee. To this day, I am not sure if it was a Doctor. It was in a 3-room office. There was a woman there who gave each of us a pill. I think it was a Valium. When it came to be my turn, she sensed that I did not want to go through with it and even asked me if this was what I wanted. I told her that I did not want to have the abortion but that if I did not my Mother would kill me. Therefore, I killed my first child instead. I had no idea that this was to be a life-altering event. I was the youngest of the 8 girls, the others were in their 20’s. I remember thinking that they were all crazy, how they could act as if this was nothing, laughing and carrying on. On the way back the Pastor stopped on the highway at the Mars Restaurant, which is still there. I could not move I was in shock and VERY Scared. I did go in to the restaurant with the others and that is when I noticed that I had changed. I buried all my emotions that day. I ordered hamburger and on that day food became a comfort to me. We arrived back at the Church sometimes around 3 or 4 o’clock. The drive home was silent, you could have heard a pin drop. My mother never asked me if I was OK. She just acted as if nothing had happened. I think a part of her changed that day as well.
2nd Time: My Abortion Story Repeated, AGAIN!
Just before my 21st birthday, I once again found myself pregnant. I was living with my boyfriend at the time, I never thought of getting an abortion. We went to see his parents and told them the news. I think we both thought that they would support us. Well once again, abortion was mentioned. This time my boyfriend also thought that maybe we should. I went to see a OB & GYN who gave us the name of a Planned Parenthood clinic in Chicago. We decided if I was too far along that we would have the baby. When you walk into an Abortion Clinic, there is a heavy oppressive feel to it. It felt like death. We were taken to talk with a counselor who we told that if I were not too far along I would have the abortion. I never was examined or asked when my last period was. I was told by this woman that I was not too far and that I could have the abortion. I was very sad at what she had said. I was hoping that I would have been too far along and would be told that I did not qualify. Once again, I fell for the easy way out. Afterwards, on the way home, we decided to get married. I believe it was out of guilt.
Married Life AFTER my Abortion Story.
We are still married, this summer it will be 31 years. We have not had an easy marriage. I had buried my guilt so deep that I had nightmares and heard a baby crying outside at night for several years. I cried a lot of the time. I had no patience and was always picking a fight with my husband. He has put up with a lot over the years perhaps because of his own guilt. I had a daughter when I was 24. Having her had stirred up all kinds of emotions that I had buried. She has had to live with the effects of my actions and it was not easy for her either. When she was in about 4th grade I started to become more aware of the Pro-life Movement. I began the journey of healing although I was still very emotional about the abortion issue.
My Daughter Heard my Abortion Story- What’s Now!
One day my daughter asked me one day if I had ever had an abortion. She had asked when she was younger, I denied it but this time I broke down, and I told her my abortion story. If I could take back doing so, I would. This affected her immensely. You see abortion does not only affect the one having it, it affects everyone. I believe she felt guilty for many years because she lived. She was also angry with me for killing her siblings. This affected our relationship for many years to come. I could understand that she could not take my abortion story granted.
They Realized but it’s too Late!
I did finally confront my mother and she never did apologize. She said she would do it again because she felt that this was what was best. It has taken me a long time to finally forgive her. I feel sorry for her she does not see how this decision has affected her. She has a hardened heart now that I do not remember her having when I was growing up. I have come a long way within myself.
I have realized that I cannot put all the blame on others I must take responsibility for my actions. No one forced me to have sex out of marriage. I made this choice my own. I also realize that it was not fair to put my mother in the position I put her in. Although, she too has to take responsibility for her response to my pregnancy. I do realize that she never will admit that she was wrong and apologize to me. My husband’s mother did come to me years later and say she was sorry and I am grateful for this. I am still living with the effects of my actions and I will never be able to live a life that is unaffected by abortion. I can only learn to forgive myself and go on with my life the best that I can. I came to the Lord in my early 20’s and I have known that God forgives me. The hardest part is to learn to forgive myself. I do believe that one day I will be set free from the weight of the guilt that I have carried all these years. It is like peeling an onion, one layer at a time.
My Last Words…
I would say to all those who are thinking of an abortion, give yourself and your baby a chance. One lesson I learned from my abortion story: once you cross that road there is no turning back. It will follow you all the rest of your life.
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